I am writing this week’s blog rather late in the day. After 9:30 p.m. to be exact. For the first time in sixteen weeks, I have not been inspired to write anything here today. Even now, I wish I could be doing something else. OK, theoretically, I could be doing something else; God knows I still have assignments to complete in my writing program before the end of the semester (which is thankfully later this week). Theoretically, I could choose to just say, “Ah, screw it. It’s only one week. What’s the big deal?”
But it is a big deal. I made myself a promise, and if I break promises to myself then what good are my promises to others? So, the truth is, even though I could be doing something else, I have chosen to sit and write this post, even though I don’t really want to.
So, why don’t I want to?
When I realized how late it was tonight and that I’d forgotten to write a post, I immediately wondered why. I have come up with two possibilities—but no concrete answers.
Possibility one is that I lack the motivation. I am drained from a full-course-load semester spent full-steam-ahead. My body hurts: my neck, my shoulders, my jaw, my wrists, my fingers. I can’t remember the last day I didn’t have a headache. (No, this is not a pity party; simply stating the facts.) I have become so forgetful that I even forgot to take my reading glasses to an exam this week and spent two hours pushing my exam paper farther away to try to read it better and squinting when that didn’t work or when my vision went blurry. The truth is that at this moment, my mental juices have all dried up. I feel vappous. (To find out what vappous means, see this recent post of mine: Vappous and Other Things that Made Me Smile.)
I am tired of writing. I want a break. But I can’t take one yet. I have too many assignments still to go in my classes. Right now, this post seems like nothing but a massive chore.
Possibility two is that I may have writer’s block. (I’ve never had it before, so I am not sure.) I’ve wondered a few times in recent days what I could possibly write about today. A few things in the media caught my eye this week, but I haven’t really cared enough about any of them to spend my time thinking and writing about them. I discounted them all one by one until I was left with none. Is that writer’s block? I don’t know. I sure hope not. If it is, I have decided I am not a fan.
Writer’s block was recently described to me as a monster that sneaks up on you. By that definition, I might indeed be in its clutches. I’ve heard that the best way to beat writer’s block is… yes… to write. So if I do have writer’s block, I am at least on the right path by forcing myself to do this.
I still don’t know why I didn’t want to blog today. Is it lack of motivation, or is it writer’s block? Either way, I wish it would go away! I don’t like this feeling, whatever it is!